Intimacy
True intimacy requires courage -- the willingness to be fully known by another person, including the parts of yourself you'd rather hide.
True intimacy requires courage -- the willingness to be fully known by another person, including the parts of yourself you'd rather hide.
Most people think of intimacy as feeling close, connected, and warm. But genuine intimacy goes deeper than comfort. It means being willing to be seen as you truly are -- not the version of yourself you think your partner wants.
This kind of intimacy requires what David Schnarch called self-validated intimacy: the ability to share yourself openly without needing your partner's approval or reassurance to feel okay about what you've shared.
It's the difference between saying "I love you" to hear it back, and saying "I love you" because it's true -- regardless of the response.
Differences in sexual desire are one of the most common reasons couples seek therapy. They're also one of the greatest opportunities for growth.
In every committed relationship, one partner will have higher desire than the other. This isn't a flaw in the relationship -- it's a natural dynamic that creates an opportunity for both partners to grow.
Many people use sex to extract validation from their partner. When desire is driven by the need to feel wanted rather than genuine connection, both partners feel it -- and it erodes intimacy over time.
The lower-desire partner often carries the weight of feeling pressured, guilty, or inadequate. Understanding their experience -- without blaming them -- is essential for change.
Monogamy isn't a limitation. It's a container for growth. When you can't run to someone new, you're forced to grow within the relationship you have. That growth deepens desire.
Emotional intimacy means letting your partner see the parts of you that you normally protect -- your fears, your insecurities, the things you're ashamed of. It takes courage because there's no guarantee your partner will respond the way you hope.
Many couples confuse emotional fusion with emotional intimacy. Fusion means losing yourself in the relationship -- needing your partner to feel the same way you do, needing constant reassurance, being unable to tolerate disagreement.
Genuine intimacy requires differentiation: holding onto yourself while staying connected to your partner. It means being close without losing who you are.
David Schnarch's four points of balance provide the foundation for deeper intimacy in your relationship.
A strong core identity that bends without breaking. Like a tree trunk -- rooted and steady, but able to move with the wind. You know who you are, even under pressure.
The ability to soothe yourself when anxiety rises. Like a calm pond -- still and clear enough to reflect accurately. You can think clearly even when emotions are strong.
Pausing before you react. Rather than responding from impulse, you take a breath and respond from wisdom. You choose your response instead of being driven by it.
The capacity to tolerate discomfort for the sake of growth. Staying in the difficult conversation. Sitting with the anxiety. Not running from the hard parts of love.
"Intimacy requires courage. It means being willing to be truly known -- and to truly know your partner -- even when it's uncomfortable."-- James Christensen, LMFT